Guns Don’t Kill People | Opinion

Patrick Swanson / November 28,2022

As everyone knows, guns don’t kill people—bullets do. Georgia GOP Goddess Majorie Taylor Greene tells us the Second Amendment guarantees us the right to buy guns on the same day they don’t kill people. And after all, how can we be safe without guns—you want to bring a knife to a gun fight? (That would make you a Democrat.)

As the GOP knows, only crazy people shoot other people. So, the best way to stop mass shootings is to keep people from going crazy. (Start by canceling The Masked Singer) Conservative think tanks are working on an anti-crazy app and have hired NRA lobbyists to secure funding for it and expensive suits for Wayne LaPierre.

Despite the naysayers, there is good news: to date in 2022 we have had only 607 mass shootings; last year at this time we had 638. Call it progress.

This year, 3,179 people were shot in mass shootings, 637 died. Last year 3,267 were shot and 645 died. In 2020, there was a total of 45,222 deaths from firearms.

Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. They want revenge on co-workers, LGBTQ folks, Walmart shoppers and school children and that’s why they buy AR-15s and handguns. Well regulated militia—well, not exactly.

Missing Paris Hilton
Elon Musk is everywhere these days—TV, magazines, newspapers, radio, podcasts. Elon Musk did this, Elon Musk did that. Elon Musk gives Trump back his Twitter account. Elon Musk says Associated Press is pushing misinformation. It’s enough to make you long for Paris Hilton.

Those were the good ol’ days. Not a minute could go by without cable news networks and newspapers filling us in on what Paris was doing. Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are frenemies. Kim K and Paris Hilton reunite. Paris Hilton makes sex tape. It was news you just couldn’t live without.

So where is Paris these days? And where is Lindsay and Kim K? Inquiring minds want to know. Did you know that Kanye West—aka Ye—left Kim K? How could you possibly miss it. Get this, Ye is running for president and wants Trump to be his vice president. How is it that we know this stuff when most people can’t name their congressman? It makes “The Banshees of Inisherin” look sophisticated.

Americans are losing their minds. They know Lizzo but haven’t a clue what Artemis is. Little surprise that people like Dr. Oz and Herschel Walker got GOP nods for the U.S. Senate. Well, you’re right, Wilson, ignorance is bliss. Paris Hilton for Senate? Why not. But what’s Kim K going to do?

Don We Now Our Gay Apparel
‘Tis the season to be jolly. Hey Wilson, have you and the guys in the band maxed out your credit cards yet? Ever wonder what someone from Ethiopia or Venus might think of an American Christmas?

For kids it’s about gifts from Santa who flies a sleigh. They didn’t have a lot of those in Nazareth, nor did they have Walmart and Target and Black Friday stampedes. Let’s celebrate the Savior’s birth by getting that new violent video game, “The Unholy Trinity,” for Johnny. This from a country that has, “In God We Trust” on its money.

Wait—maybe there is a connection there after all—Christmas is a celebration of capitalism as much as anything. Originally, Black Friday was the day stores began to turn a profit for the year. But that wasn’t enough so we got Cyber Monday.

Christmas is a cornerstone of our economy. When the Apostle Paul made his way toward Rome in the first century A.D., proclaiming Jesus was the Messiah and the son of God, he couldn’t have imagined Black Friday. Of course, that doesn’t mean cynics and grouches can’t find real meaning in Christmas. Even Democrats and Republicans put down their swords for the day in celebration of brotherly and sisterly love.

Yeah, right. Never mind. Don we now our gay apparel… Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la…

Postscript—That’s just about it for another strange week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of gaslighting so you don’t have to. Hey Wilson, did you know that “gaslighting” is Merriam-Webster’s word of the year? If that isn’t an epitaph for 2022, what is?

The term originated in George Cukor’s 1944 film Gaslight, where Charles Boyer systematically attempts to undermine Ingrid Bergman’s sense of reality and eventually her sanity, according to the Association for Psychoanalytic Self Psychology. Oddly—or not—the word gained prominence during Donald Trump’s presidency.

Speaking of Black Friday, shoppers spent a record $9.12 billion. Of course, due to inflation, everything is more expensive this year. Credit card balances jumped 15% compared to last year, according to the Federal Reserve Bank of New York.

But let’s not forget about Jesus the Savior for whom we are celebrating. Many Christians don’t know that he had a sense of humor and even told jokes, according to Luke 14:14–24. Here’s one: Three guys get invited to a party. The first declines because he has acquired land and needs to try it out, the second has acquired oxen and needs to try them out, the third because he has acquired a wife and needs to … decline the invitation. Happy Holidays.

Well Wilson, Christmas is sneaking up on us again. Before you know it we’ll be drinking eggnog and puking. Remember the old John Denver hit, “Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas.” Inspiring.

But we need something uplifting that reflects the man from Nazareth who became Jesus Christ. Looks like the band is in the spirit, Wilson, so hit it:

They call him by the “Prince of Peace”
And they call him by “The Saviour”
And they pray to him upon the sea
And in every bold endeavor
As they fill his churches with their pride and gold
And their faith in him increases
But they’ve turned the nature that I worshipped in
From a temple to a robber’s den
In the words of the rebel Jesus

We guard our world with locks and guns
And we guard our fine possessions
And once a year when Christmas comes
We give to our relations
And perhaps we give a little to the poor
If the generosity should seize us
But if any one of us should interfere
In the business of why there are poor
They get the same as the rebel Jesus

But pardon me if I have seemed
To take the tone of judgement
For I’ve no wish to come between
This day and your enjoyment
In this life of hardship and of earthly toil
We have need for anything that frees us
So I bid you pleasure and I bid you cheer
From a heathen and a pagan
On the side of the rebel Jesus.
“The Rebel Jesus”—Jackson Browne