Herschel Walker broadens attraction to Georgia Republicans with new story about, uh, livestock intercourse

Patrick Swanson / October 11,2022



Yeah, that is certainly the brief model. You would possibly regulate fellow Republicans Tom Cotton and The Ghost Of Rick Scott as Herschel weaves his little story of … one thing? Is Herschel speaking about what all of us suppose he’s speaking about?


For this reason Republicans suck VERY VERY MUCH at writing kids’s books. Anytime a “family-values” abortion-paying-for secret-child-having repeatedly-held-gun-to-wife’s-head Republican Senate candidate begins occurring about livestock intercourse, issues are going to go downhill shortly. There are only a few marketing campaign methods which have, as bullet factors, “and now you’re going to exit and inform the gang a narrative about livestock intercourse.” NO.

However the ethical of this little story is … what? Herschel imagines himself because the bull, proper? And he received three girls pregnant that we all know of, and perhaps there’s three extra we do not learn about, however for Senate Republican candidates in Georgia the grass is at all times greener on the aspect of the fence with much more cows than that, so he is naturally going to undergo barbed wire to search for them, and hey I feel we’re going to cease excited about this proper the hell now, as a result of candy and bitter Jesus that is not the closing argument we wish to be listening to from any would-be Republican senator previous or current.

We don’t wish to hear about livestock intercourse from Tom Cotton, or from Mitch McConnell, or from anyone else. Not as a parable. Not as a free-form poem. Please cease speaking about cow intercourse.

Walker did cease, however not earlier than making all the things even weirder than that.


See there, and also you have been starting to surprise if he actually was Senate materials.

Shifting on …

Okay, so first he was a bull, then a canine, now he is a bear? Is the bear having intercourse too, or is that not specified? And he is each canine and bear now, some kind of freaky dog-bear hybrid? Can anybody clarify the prepare of thought that will get us from there to “and that is why it’s best to vote for me to be in the US Senate, the place I can write new tax legal guidelines or no matter?”

This isn’t how a marketing campaign usually operates! This isn’t how parables function! That is perhaps how German people tales often go, however parables? Probably not! Usually there are not any candidates who climb up on stage to inform tales of sex-having mountain goats with a protracted historical past of head accidents, to provide one inappropriate instance out of many.

We’re used to Republican politicians saying that there are Too Many Bushes These Days, from Ronald Reagan to Donald Whatshisname to this man. We are able to get by way of that. We’re used to Republican candidates who disguise a historical past of simply blood-curdling ethical failures; hiding secret intercourse companions and the abortions you paid for is so commonplace it’d as nicely be written into the Republican Social gathering platform. You might be banned from native malls after turning into notorious because the city’s most persistent intercourse pest, and we’re even used to that.

Walker, although, appears intent on capturing the moon right here. He will fill out each sq. of the Republican Scandal Bingo playing cards in order that everybody wins a prize. He is operating towards a Democratic minister, no much less, and one who has not but turn out to be well-known for telling tales about sex-having animals.

Cease it! Sufficient! This has all been very humorous however for the love of God and biscuits, Walker marketing campaign employees, get this man assist as an alternative of simply going by way of the motions for a paycheck. Recommend he pursue alternate careers, perhaps one thing in accounting. No petting zoos. No kids’s books. What about pumpkin farming, a kind of guys that tries to develop the most important pumpkin for Halloween, perhaps he’d be fascinated by that? A few of them are even sufficiently big to show into boats; he might float round and fake to be within the Navy.


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